A Letter to You

May 19, 2017

 

 

To my future daughter (if I’m ever blessed to have you),

 

I can’t begin to fathom the love that I will have for you. You haven’t even been conceived yet, but my heart is already anxious for how my choices today will impact you in the coming years. Decisions I  make now about my life and the life I share with your daddy are made with a picture of a little girl with soft curls the color of chocolate, bright blue eyes, and caramel skin in the back of my mind. How will my decisions now, my behavior here, impact her? I wonder.

 

I hope your heart is as soft as your daddy’s. He turns to mush at cute and fluffy innocence. I hope you are adventurous and scrape your knees as you climb trees and scare me as you jump in the deep end of the pool. I hope you have compassion for those the rest of the world tends to ignore, and I hope have the heart of a warrior without the pain of battles meeting you before you’re ready for them. I hope you never doubt that you are loved, even when we discipline you. I hope the thought of “they hate me” never crosses your mind. I know I’ll let you down, but I hope I don’t fail you.

 

I will start as your mother, but I hope one day to be your friend. I hope for the joy of being able to witness you discover and delight in things you’ve never seen or experienced before. The breath of a horse on your cheek, the feel of a frog in your tiny hands, a soft blanket from the dryer over your eyes and watching dancing fireflies. I hope to see you chasing grasshoppers and butterflies in a field of grass so tall I can almost not see you. I hope it’s my lap you crawl into the first time your heart is broken, and you never tire of resting your head on my shoulder or using my sleeve to wipe your nose. I hope our biggest argument is how late you can stay out with your girlfriends, and that you will not be afraid to call me to pick you up when you realize you’re where you shouldn’t be. I hope you like the stories I tell and that my cooking is your favorite, even if Mrs. Whats-her-name down the road does it better. I hope you look to the women in my life, my closest friends, like second mothers you can trust and lean on when we’re struggling. I hope to show you how to stand up for yourself and fight for what’s right, and when to be humble and turn the other cheek. I hope I learn as much from you as I hope you’ll learn from me.

 

I hope you are secure knowing that your daddy and I love each other. I hope you never have to face the pain and uncertainty of a broken family, or even disunity. I hope you look at your daddy and love him so much you ask him to marry you, just so I can hear him say he’s already taken, but he’ll make sure you get someone close enough. I hope you’re inspired by our love story and God’s hand in it. I hope my fears today don't pass on to you - it's no way to live. I hope the consequences of my sin and shame don't grab hold of your heart as well. I'm working on my end of it now to prevent it. Please forgive me for what I miss. I hope you like to dance, and learn by standing on your daddy’s feet. I hope his arms are the safest place in the world for you, and when you’re older I hope our home is always a place you can come back to when you need to be reminded of who you are and where you came from. I hope you see the love we have for each other and that it gives you hope and faith in a love that moves mountains. I hope you see God in our marriage five, ten and fifty years down the road. I hope it gives you hope.

 

More than anything else, my beloved and beautiful daughter, my sweet face and precious baby girl, I hope you love Jesus. I hope, more than anything else I’ve already mentioned above, that you will one day see his love for you and leap into his arms without reservation, and love him with abandon. I hope that by the time you grace our lives I am ready to show you what that looks like. I hope my faith will be a faith you aspire to, my love and joy in the Lord will be one you will desire, and his movement in my life will be so visible that you wont be able to deny his existence or his love and adoration for you. I know you must face that journey on your own, and I know you’ll do some wandering, but I also know you will never be far out of His hand. I have so little time to show you and teach you, and I hope when the time comes to let go that God gives me the strength to do so. But I hope your coming into this world is God answering my prayer: that you will one day belong to Him even if I’m not around to see it. I do hope I get to see it. I hope I can stand there at the day of your baptism and rejoice that we will be in heaven together one day. Forever.

 

I don’t know that I’ll be ready for motherhood if the day comes, maybe it’s not something you can ever really be ready for, but I want to apologize (really far in advance) for all the ways I will disappoint you, let you down, mess up, and make a mess of our lives. I promise I’m not doing it on purpose. I will probably drive you crazy, just like I’m sure you’ll turn my hair gray. I hope I’ll be enough for you. I hope, if we ever meet, I’ll be just the mother you need.

 

All my love,

(Your future) Mom

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