I love change. Sometimes it’s difficult, but more often than not it feels like walking out of the salon with a new haircut. I hate the few days or weeks leading up to change. That unknown fuzzy area when decisions still have to be made. It’s a stage of growth when I feel like I’m wearing a shirt two sizes too small. When I finally find the right size, fit, and look I feel like a million bucks.
Lately I’ve been wearing the wrong size shirt. I’m still waiting on the million bucks feeling to come along. The thing about change is that you need to be intentional in order for it to have the desired effect. It doesn’t matter how many shirts I try on. If I don’t know my size or the most flattering style, I’m forever going to be in the awkward stage. I’m learning how to pay attention to what I know to be true about myself, the proper “size” so to speak, before I make decisions that may or may not help me be successful. I know that I need relationships with women who are deeply rooted in Christ. I need daily hugs. Preferably multiple hugs a day. I need to feel needed, useful, and helpful in others’ brokenness, and I need silence and peace to come home to every day. I need to be reminded I can break and that there will be a pair of arms to keep the pieces from scattering. In a conversation today, a friend and I talked about balance. I think we’re a lot a like. If I have too little to invest in, I feel useless. If I have too much I’m investing in, I feel overwhelmed. I tend to lean more on the side of “too much” because I dread the feeling of uselessness, which I often believe is synonymous with worthless – even though it’s not. I feel like I’m forever running back and forth on a seesaw trying to find out where the middle is.
Living intentionally is difficult. I’d love to spend time with everyone, to do everything and to never have to say no. But I can’t. I have to pick and choose. Thankfully, so far the people God has put in my life have been an incredible blessing. But here’s the catch, I know a LOT of wonderful people. How do I balance it all? One intentional, carefully weighed decision at a time. My priorities need to be kept in order: God, husband, church family, and the lost. It’s challenging. It’s far too easy to neglect sending my husband a Voxer and go hang out with friends after work. It’s easy to get distracted with Facebook, or some other Internet search that has no value, instead of having time in the Word. Factor in the everyday practicalities like work (oh, right – a paycheck is nice) and pursuing my writing, which hopefully will lead to glorifying God, church commitments, other ministries and I’ve got a full schedule. Balance, balance, balance… finding that balance means walking around in a shirt several sizes too small until I find the right fit.
I’m learning to have some grace on myself while I figure this out. As I try to figure this out I get so overwhelmed just with the concept of figuring out what a good “fit” looks like. And then I remember:
My fit is in heaven. I will never really fit as long as I live on earth. While I have moments of connection and clarity, brief experiences of wholeness and joy, until I get to heaven that will never be consistent. And that’s okay. Life is organic – it keeps growing and moving. There’s no way around that, and as long as it keeps growing and moving, I’ll have to keep growing and moving with it. My shirt size will keep changing. I need to be okay with going shopping once in a while and finding something new. A change. A better fit.