God is Bigger. Much Bigger.
I got married in April 2016. Four months later I moved from the Middle East to Spokane, alone, in order to set up house and get a job while my husband and I applied for him to get a green card. Two incomes are better than one, and we thought we knew how things were going to pan out. We thought he'd make it to Spokane by Christmas. We made a lot of assumptions and hoped for the best. It's nearly February, almost six months since we’ve been apart, and we have no idea when he's going to arrive. We hope he’ll make it here in April, but the truth is the future is completely unknown.
I've been asked several times if President Trump's recent actions will cause problems with getting Joe here. Honestly, it's possible. The next question people ask, if they’re brave enough to hear the answer is, ‘how are you doing?’ Honestly, we’re struggling, but we’re faithful. I have to keep reminding myself: God is bigger than paperwork. God is bigger than the president of the United States. God is bigger than any law or decree. And God loves my husband and he loves me. No matter what God decides will happen, there’s a reason for it, and there’s nothing he’d allow without making it worth it. If not now, eventually.
I keep busy, and I keep busy with things that keep my eyes focused on God. Apart from my nine-to-five job, Monday through Wednesday nights are spent in God’s Word with people I love and am growing to love. Thursday nights with someone who has become a very valuable friend and confidant in helping me pursue my dreams of self-publishing my books. Friday nights are reserved for potential Skype dates with my husband, and Saturdays I spend as much time as humanly possible at a ranch mucking stalls and riding horses. The conversations that happen with volunteers with EMBRACE during those times is even more valuable (see my Causes page for more information). Sunday is church and an afternoon pursuing another writing endeavor – details coming soon. I hardly have time to think about how difficult this is, much less dwell on it. What free time I do have is spent writing or researching. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this start to backfire.
The problem with keeping too busy to think is that the heart and mind mull things over even when you’re not aware of it. What this has led to is late nights watching Heartland and longing for a hug that won’t quit and a horse to ride for hours every day (of course this means my day job would have to cease to exist). Ignoring feelings is possible, but it isn’t wise. So I find myself stumbling through this unfamiliar territory of leaning on God for encouragement and support, keeping busy enough to not lose my mind, but not so busy I ignore my heart and figuring out how to accept my imperfections, my vulnerabilities, my needs and treat myself with some love and care.
I wish there was a solution to this mess. Right now, all I can do is lean on God, love myself enough to give permission to feel, and keep busy with things that will allow me to do both of those. I don’t know if I’ll ever get balanced, but I’m grateful I have a God to keep me from falling so long as I can keep my eyes on Him.